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What The Fuck is Going On

Have you ever gone through a period of time where nothing you ever did was right. Granted, while you were going through it, you were lying to yourself that you were actually working hard when really you let the feeling of being overwhelmed overwhelm you entirely. Let it suck every happy moment and inch of personality you have out of you until you’re left with a mental breakdown every fucking day. That was me for the entire month of October. I let myself fall apart, and for what, cause I was stressed or cause I hated the environment I was in. All I see now are excuses for me to keep being down and feel bad for myself. Excuses to let me keep fucking up while telling myself it’ll all get better eventually. A really important piece of advice I was given indirectly was that no one is going to change your life; if you don’t like it, you’ll have to change it yourself. And I kept thinking I want to make a change, I need to make a change, but it wouldn’t happen. Day after day went by, and I was still making the same old excuses about my “mental health.” And of course, it’s important to take care of ourselves, but “taking care of myself” (not really) turned out to take a huge toll on my grades, my self-efficacy, and my overall happiness.

This is a new era that sadly I’ve been exploring the past few months, the era of excuses and hopelessness. Which now I realize got me nowhere. It got me a lot of catching up to do in every single college course I’m enrolled in this semester. I wouldn’t even call it catching up, I would call it crawling out of a 40-foot hole that my tears and excuses dug.

I know that everyone goes through I time like this in their lives, and it’s normal, but I guess by writing this, I want to prove to other people and, most importantly, myself that sulking and being a lame ass cause you’re sad isn’t gonna make you any happier. And isn’t gonna make the A or the promotion or whatever stage in life you’re at magically appear on the paper. (Praying and manifesting for the information to just appear in your head doesn’t work either, trust me I’ve tried.) I think it’s important to place importance on mental health and notice when you’re in a bad place, but it’s just as important to recognize when enough is enough. When although you hate where you’re living and wish you did this better, etc., you have to push through it and get your shit done.

I guess I’m writing this to motivate myself to stop being a lazy asshole from this point on, but also to motivate anyone else who feels like they’re constantly being beaten down, but it might just be cause they’re not putting enough effort in to also stop being a lazy asshole. Let’s start working hard and pushing ourselves through the toughest times to be our best selves and excel in whatever it is we wanna do. And then when you get that break, it’ll feel that much better, or when you get that margarita on Saturday night, it’ll taste THAT MUCH BETTER. And that hangover you may have will be okay cause you worked your ass off all week to make sure you had no work to worry about the rest of the weekend.

Now I’m not trying to make this a self-help article. This is written for me, to vent but also to share the way I feel in case anyone feels the same. Let’s be motivated together and do our work instead of looking at clothes you want to buy or skin care you need<3

And if it just so happens I’m the only one going through this, then my apologies that I may sound manic and psychotic; I’m not I’m just a Scorpio.

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